The nation’s fighting on two fronts, and we’re talking about pigs

As a rule, political discourse — no matter how crude or nonsensical — has never surprised, much less shocked, me.

But over the past few days, with all the important problems facing this country and the world that the next president of the United States will have to tackle, I was a bit astounded that the major issue presented to the public was about ... lipstick.

While I know farm animals might be a constituency in some parts of the U.S. of A., I could not have imagined that a few weeks from perhaps the most historical presidential election since this country was founded, I and other voters would be asked to think about pigs.

Don’t get me wrong. There have been many times when I’ve thought of politicians as hogs, asses, chickens, ostriches, snakes, buzzards, skunks — well, you get my drift.

But I never thought I would be overcome by a media blitz with commentators and politicians obsessing over a century-old cliché.

"You can put lipstick on a pig, but ... " (You can finish the sentence because of the number of times you’ve heard that expression).

Isn’t that trite saying sort of like, "You can’t make a silk purse out of a sow’s ... " (Go on. You can fill in the blank).

I can’t believe the flap that developed last week after Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama described his rival’s economic plan as being like putting "lipstick on a pig."

Republican presidential nominee John McCain, and some of his supporters, considered that an offensive and sexist comment about vice presidential nominee Sarah Palin because of a quip she made during her acceptance speech at the National Republican Convention.

"What’s the difference between a hockey mom and a pit bull?" Palin asked in her first nationally televised speech. Then pointing to her mouth, she added: "Lipstick."

When the so-called controversy first erupted, I promised myself I would not write about the trivial, sophomoric and vindictive charge from the McCain campaign. I had assumed it would last no longer than half of the 24-hour news cycle, especially with the 9-11 anniversary coming that Thursday.

However, not even 9-11 could push the hogs away from this trough.

I really don’t want to talk about this, and it is a subject that the politicians and the pundits should allow to fade away. Besides, do pigs even have lips?

Leave the lipstick on the cosmetics counters at whatever department store you prefer. And please leave the pigs to their sty. Makeup can best be debated by the folks at Maybelline, Revlon and Max Factor.

Can’t we just dispense with the barnyard analogies altogether? After all, it is all bull. And as a guy from Texas, I know bull when I see it, hear it or step it.

Oops, sorry. That line takes us back to the barnyard.

But so what? That horse already has left the corral; don’t bother closing the gate now.

Or is it just that the chickens are coming home to roost.

Speaking of chickens, politicos shouldn’t count those eggs before they hatch.

Oh, but after you’ve finished counting the eggs, watch out for that mule you may have hit between the eyes with a two-by-four.

And watch your mouth, because I certainly don’t want hear anyone — especially presidential candidates — talking about making chicken salad out of chicken-you-know-what.

Yes, spare us the farmland euphemisms, and get back to the truly important issues facing this nation.

By the way, will somebody please get that elephant out of the room?

And bring a big shovel so we can clean up this mess.